


One, Two, Three, Four, I Declare A Prank War!

by thememehermit



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Mixed Verse - Fandom, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: (final pam voice) i will take a hammer and FIX THE CANON, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Characters Added As They Appear - Freeform, Deaf Character, Deaf Clint Barton, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gen, Humor, In-Universe Avengers Fandom, In-Universe Fandom, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Post-Avengers (2012), Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Social Media, Team as Family, Timeline What Timeline, Twitter, author refuses to accept anything past avengers 1 as canon, but not by much, let me have this, mixed verse characterization
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-07 04:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14663751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thememehermit/pseuds/thememehermit
Summary: Clint Barton and Tony Stark do not get along.  So when Clint finds (and uploads) an embarrassing video of Tony, things start to turn sour.  However, as the revenge schemes pile on, the two find themselves having... fun?





	1. Finding A Gold Bar In A Trash Can, That Gold Bar Being A VERY Funny Video And That Trash Can Being Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, welcome to this fic! this is my first work for this fandom, so while i'm not a newbie, do let me know if anyone seems OOC, because that doesn't fly with me.
> 
> i am still denying the existence of avengers 3. thanos whom? sorry, don't know any. it's just good old nice content where nothing that came out after avengers 1 in the mcu exists.

Clint Barton did not like Tony Stark one bit.  There was something in the way the man carried himself, with his chest puffed and his head cocked, and his eyes that loudly and clearly said “you're wrong” even on the rare occasion his mouth said “you’re right”. 

Of course, Stark wasn't a bad guy, not really, but he  _ was _ an asshole.  Clint was an asshole, too, but Stark was just the kind of person who made people hate him just for the fun of it.  At least, that was Clint's current theory, since every time he started to think he'd gotten Stark figured out, he'd throw him another curveball.  Once Stark had insulted Director Fury right to his face, and then turned to Clint with a cocky smile as if the two were sharing a hilarious joke. While there were many things Clint hated more, nothing made Clint's blood boil in quite the way it did whenever he saw that smug grin. 

 

“Is there anyone who you know that just makes you want to punch their nose in?” Clint idly mused as he lounged on his couch. 

“No, can’t really say there is,” said Natasha, sitting beside him.  She was reading a magazine that one could get in the checkout aisle at most stores, packed with the latest celebrity gossip that was going around.  

Clint continued.  “Like, they’re so annoying that, just, everything they  _ do _ annoys you?”

Natasha didn't look up from her article.  “Do you think you’re trying to be annoyed?” she proposed. 

“What?!” Clint sputtered. “No!  He's a jerk and he's doing this just to be insufferable.”

Natasha quirked one eyebrow.  “Who's 'he’?” She asked, signing the question as well just for clarity. The tiniest ghost of a smug smile flickered onto her face, one that only Clint could have noticed.

Clint threw his head back in a groan. “ _ Stark _ ,” said Clint.  “He just acts like such a dick  _ all  _ the time, and it's infuriating.  And that's coming from me!”

 

Clint was on a terminal at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ, looking through Stark’s classified files, as you do, when he stumbled across a video.  He didn’t think much when he opened it, just wanted to see what it was -- no, Natasha, he wasn’t  _ trying _ to get annoyed -- like one will.  

What it was turned out to be a vlog of sorts.  An entry in a digital notebook for Stark’s self-testing.  Started out innocuously enough, talking about repulsor power, delegating tasks to various robots (which, ok, aww).

_ “Gonna start up nice and easy, we’ll just do ten percent thrust capacity, achieve lift.” _ read the captions on the video.  Before Clint could have prepared himself for what came next (if Clint were honest with himself, he could never have been ready), the tiny Tony in the video counted down and subsequently flew backwards and faceplanted directly into the wall behind him.

Clint laughed harder than he ever had since he'd become so obsessed with Stark, partially admitting this fixation to himself.  He was still cackling when the robot behind Stark sprayed it's maker with a fire extinguisher it had been given, and Clint  _ broke _ . 

Clint did know, however, that he was accessing classified data.  Trying to contain his laughter, Clint downloaded the video to a thumb drive, and crawled quickly into the air vent through which he'd entered. 

 

\---

 

Tony Stark didn't like Clint Barton.  He was, by far, the most unfriendly person Tony has had to work with on a regular basis.  His jokes were almost always mean, usually to Tony himself. Additionally, Barton made snide and rude remarks about Tony while he was  _ right in the room _ , and picked fights with other Avengers.  Tony was sure he would be down to just a multi-millionaire if he had to keep paying for the damages caused by Barton picking fights with Thor  _ and _ the Hulk!

 

So he was trying to not think about that jerk right now.

Tony had just gotten comfortable, sitting on his penthouse couch, cup of coffee in one hand, some book, didn’t really matter what book, in the other, when J.A.R.V.I.S. got his attention.

“Sir,” said J.A.R.V.I.S.  “I really hate to disrupt you, but there is a video on Twitter that I feel you should be aware of.”

“A Twitter video?” Tony could have laughed.  “What is it, a cat with something on its head?  One of those dogs that dances with some pop song?  Some idiot getting themselves hurt?”

“It is the the latter of the three, Sir, that ‘idiot’ being yourself,” said J.A.R.V.I.S, just as calm as he always was.

Tony blinked.  That was odd, he hadn’t injured himself in public any time recently, not even as Iron Man, (well, that was a lie, but nothing worthy of a viral video) and the attention from all of his past blunders had long died down.  He hadn’t gotten blackout drunk in a long time, either, so that was off the table. Tony determined he could either try to figure out what on Earth he had done all afternoon, or he could see for himself. “Pull up the video, Jay,” he said.  “Let’s see what the hell I did this time.”

“Very well, Sir.” said the AI as Tony’s screen flickered on to show… something Tony did not expect at all.

It was himself, in his workshop in Malibu, with the hand-controlled repulsors from the MK II.  He knew what came next, he  _ made _ that log, after all, but how the hell had it found its way to Twitter, of all places?

“J.A.R.V.I.S,” said Tony.  “Where did this even come from?  Other than me, I mean, but who put it up there?”

J.A.R.V.I.S only needed milliseconds to find and report the information.  “The account was recently created, just today. The username is @avengers_official, and the name is Official Avengers.  The account is verified.”

“Wait, what?” Tony asked.  Official Avengers? And it was  _ verified _ ?  Tony himself had a verified Twitter, (@starkmantony, not that it was hard to find) and even his verification had taken four days.  How had this account gotten verified in less than a  _ day _ ?  “Who even runs this thing?”

“I do not know,” said J.A.R.V.I.S.  “Its only Tweet is the video you just viewed, captioned: ‘a small calculation error was made #avengers #ironman #lol’.”

Tony bawked for a moment.  “Hashtag L.O.-- wait, J.A.R.V.I.S, do you… track the Iron Man hashtag?”

J.A.R.V.I.S. was loudly silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic could use a beta. I can't pay, but i'd be willing to beta in return for anyone interested, as long as you can leave good constructive criticism!  
> if you liked this, i would love it if you comment! they really make it all worth it


	2. The Stupidest Reason To Go To Somebody's House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I wanted to have this chapter up sooner, but I wanted to get more than 1000 words per chapter, so it's not too short. Also I put the MARVEL timeline through a blender. Oops.

Opening Twitter was a mistake.  Tony's entire feed was filled with retweets and memes of that damn video.  To make his life more difficult, he was even being tagged in some of them. Whoever leaked that video is going to pay for this, thought Tony.  He didn't even know why he followed some of these people!

 

Squirrel Girl @unbeatablesg

OMG @starkmantony this is HILARIOUS! Why didn't you post this sooner? #IronMan

Tony Stark @starkmantony ✓

@unbeatablesg I didn't. Why would I want to show anybody this.

Squirrel Girl @unbeatablesg

@starkmantony You didn't? How'd it get on Twitter then? #awkward #thatsweird

 

That's weird is right, kid.  Something was definitely going on, and he was damn well going to figure out what.

 

Tony Stark @starkmantony ✓

@avengers_official Ok, enough is enough. Who are you and how did you get that video.

Official Avengers @avengers_official ✓

@starkmantony This is the official Avengers Twitter, obviously.

Tony Stark @starkmantony ✓

@avengers_official Your account has existed for a day. How are you already verified? Who's running this thing?

Official Avengers @avengers_official ✓

@starkmantony Wouldn’t you like to know ;)

 

Tony’s jaw dropped.  Was that a winky face?!  

“Alright, that's it,” said Tony.  “J.A.R.V.I.S., we're tracking this guy.  He's online right now, any chance you could track his IP?”

After a moment, J.A.R.V.I.S. responded.  “The IP is coming from within Stark Tower, sir, on the Avengers private server.”

So it was an Avenger then.  “And who is in the tower right now?” he asked.

“Right now, Captain Rogers is in his room, and Agent Barton is in a ceiling vent,” said J.A.R.V.I.S..

“Can you tell me what they're doing?” asked Tony.

“The Captain is reading,” said J.A.R.V.I.S.. “And I do not currently have visual on Agent Barton.”

So it _was_ good ol’ Birdbrain, then.  This called for some retribution.

 

Tony sat in Pepper’s office, talking a mile a minute to both her and J.A.R.V.I.S. about his revenge scheme.

“Oh!  I could have Jay play a song every time he walks in a room!” Tony mused.  “A really annoying one, some overplayed pop song, maybe.”

“He is deaf, sir, I am not sure if that would have the desired effect,” J.A.R.V.I.S. reminded him.

Pepper's eyes rolled harder than many people were capable of.  “This is the _dumbest_ thing you have ever bugged me about,” she said.

Tony leaned further onto her desk.  “Pep,” he said. “Pepper, this is my reputation at risk.  I _cannot_ let this assclown get away with this.  He needs to realize where he stands.”

Pepper threw up her hands in exasperation.  “That's fine, Tony! Just don't drag _me_ into it!”

“I am not ‘dragging you into it’,” said Tony.  “I'm just saying it's annoying.”

“And you're trying to compel me to do something,” Pepper smirked.

Tony’s face flushed slightly.  “No! I mean, _yeah_ , but I was just throwing some ideas around, y’know?”

Pepper laughed, an open-mouthed toothy smile growing on to her face, her head thrown back in amusement.  “Yeah, okay Tony, you can weave your little web in here, just don't distract me from my _work_.”

Tony's hand jumped onto his beard, brow crinkling.  “Web… Spider… Pepper, you're a genius,” he said, and he leapt from the chair whose real estate he had fully occupied the moment before.

Pepper gawked.  “Jarvis,” she asked, not looking away from the exit her friend had practically sprinted through.  “What just happened?”

 

\---

 

Kate Bishop lay on her mentor's couch, as she had been doing more and more often recently, just staring at the ceiling and thinking about herself.  She was fully planning to surpass her master, and hopefully soon, after all the sooner she did, the more bragging rights she'd obtain.

As it was, however, Kate was plateauing, at a level still a long way below Barton's.  She _knew,_ of course, that archery was like any other talent, it took frequent practice and going out of your comfort zone if you want to improve.

Yeah, she's bitter, sue her.  

Even though Kate had _finally_ gotten comfortable, her brooding was interrupted by a rapping on the door.  Suspicious since Barton had no friends, _especially_  suspicious on a night where Barton had _told_ her that he would be on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission.

“Ugh, seriously?  It’s 9:30, who the hell is trying to visit _this_ whackjob?” said Kate, as she rolled off Clint’s pizza-stained couch (seriously, did the man ever eat anything that _wasn’t_ a grease nightmare?) and stomped to the door and opened it.  “What the hell do you want, and why are you here… this…”

TONY.  FUCKING.  STARK. Was standing in the doorway, holding a plastic box wrapped in a towel, smiling too wide to be innocent.

“Hey there,” said TONY FUCKING STARK.  “Is this Clint Barton's apartment or am I in the wrong place?”

“I-I- wha- um- I mean- yeah.  Yeah he's away right now, but yeah, he lives here,” said Kate, who was getting _really sick_ of her own stammering.

Stark grinned wider.  “Great, I need to give him something, could you show me where his bedroom is?”  Because _that's_ not suspicious.

“...Yeah, sure, why not,” she said. She was tired, ok?

So Kate led Tony Stark to Barton's nightmare garage dump room.  Blankets lay discarded on the floor, cups and plates and bowls were strewn about, never returned to the kitchen's dirty dish pile that Barton never washed.  A ratty old poster hung on the wall, the top right corner so damaged that any attempt to fix it to the wall simply tore the poster more. Kate wasn't even sure what it was supposed to _be_.

Stark was appropriately horrified, his mouth gaping open and eyes flickering from one trash-pile to another.

Stark turned to Kate, disbelief still clearly displayed behind the man's surprisingly expressive eyes like a well-cleaned aquarium clearly displays fish.

“He lives like this?” Stark asked.

“Yeah,” said Kate.  “He's a slob. You can just leave whatever you need to give him on his bed.  He'll probably jump straight into bed and land on it. Bye, I guess. The door locks on it's own, so don't worry about that.”  And at that, Kate turned on her heel and left, since Barton really would just him her out of he came back while she was there.

“Uh, yeah.  Bye,” said Tony Stark.

 

\---

 

Clint came home covered in cuts and bruises from the insane mission S.H.I.E.L.D. sent him on this time.  Flopping onto his couch, Clint reached for his phone and felt paper on it. The paper was pink and flower-scented, and Clint found himself once again chuckling at Katie's custom stationery.  He loved seeing the pink heart patterns contrast with the messy handing and copious cursing.

_Hey Barton,_ read the note, _Tony Fucking Stark_ _came by to give you something, so I told him to leave it on your bed.  He looked sinister, did you piss him off recently or something? ‘Cuz if you did then you're fucked._

_Hope it's not a bomb, cause you still need to teach me about your trick arrows._

_Love, Kate._

He _had_ pissed him off recently, he knew since he'd been spying on Stark when he uploaded the video of his failed Iron Man test run.

He'd thought there was no way Tony could trace the account back to himself, but he hasn't expected that Tony had programmed fucking SKYNET.  Clint had thanked his lucky stars when he heard the confirmation that he'd been in one of the AI’s blind spots.

But J.A.R.V.I.S. was still able to tell Stark that he _was_ in the vents.  Not the exact location, so he doubted that either Stark or his pet AI knew he was right there, but somehow, it seemed like the genius had actually figured out it was him.

The moment Clint lowered the note, he spotted the tiny spider on the ceiling, seemingly chewing on it's own leg, but maybe that was how they cleaned themselves (do spiders clean themselves???).

Kate said Stark put something on his bed, he realized.  Without hesitation, Clint leapt from his place and shot straight to his bedroom as fast as done of his arrows.  

On Clint's bed and throughout his bedroom were _hundreds_ of tiny spiders skittering about, and a sticky note on the plastic box they presumably came in, which read _Jumping Spiders.  Virtually harmless to humans, but they're still hundreds of spiders that live in your house now.  Have fun with your new roommates!_

Aw, spiders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact! I actually did consider the annoying song prank before promptly kicking myself in the head.  
> ALSO SCREW SPIDERS. I HAD TO RESEARCH SPIDERS FOR THIS FIC AND I AM 100% AN ARACHNOPHOBE AND THEY HAD PICTURES UGH.  
> If you liked this, please comment! I love getting them and I always try to reply, I'd love any questions or feedback you have, or just to know that you liked it :)


End file.
